How to stop being sad

So I came across this song during what I'd call one of the darkest times of my life. Everything just seems out of place right now and nothing seems to be going right for me. I can't stop myself but I can't help myself either, 'it's just one of those phases' is the lie I've been telling myself. But this song, this one song just makes it feel just right, makes me feel just in place. This is a song by Dandelion hands, I'm just going to share the lyrics here to mark that I've fallen in love with it.

"repeat to yourself that they’re not really gone 
time has proven that fooling yourself into believing 
a lie is the most effective way to deal with 
things you have no control over 

keep listening to the mixtapes they made you 
overanalyze every single word you hear 
“was this a sign that things were going wrong” 
no no, you were the one that cared too hard, not them 

stay up every single night staring at your phone 
either attempting to gather up the courage to 
turn these demons, these constant reminders of 
your loneliness into nothing more than a bad dream 
or praying just for one second you could feel 
the warmth of equally returned love 

go out for coffee four times a week by yourself 
always bring your notebook, never stop writing 
leave little comics and thank you notes with your tip 
watch them smile as you get in your car 

always talk down on yourself whenever possible 
my life is shit because i deserve it, right? 
you must have done something real bad 
its nearly impossible for you to cry now 

avoid your friends for weeks even though 
they’re the only sense of consistency you have 
left in your life, if they really wanted 
to see you they’d come, but they won’t (who cares?) 

allow yourself to lose interest in the things you love 
watch as you begin to take a backseat to the 
world around you, don’t fight it 
become a secondary character in your own motion picture 

but most importantly drown every single one of 
your feelings in old stolen rum, learn to 
love the taste of it dripping down your throat 
find comfort in the warmth coming from your 
stomach, you’re drinking bottled love now 

you don’t need other people to drive away your loneliness 
you just needed to find a way to talk to it."

कल्पना

आज मलाई नराम्रो लागेको छ,
उहिले दाईले भन्थे, 'होश् गर् है कान्छा,
हतार गरेको छस्, दुःख पाउलास्।'
त्यति बेला जिस्कीए जस्तो लाग्यो,
अलिकती बढि बोले जस्तो लाग्यो,
आज बल्ल आफूलाई परेपछि थाहा पाऊँदैछु,
जाँठो त्यति खेर कुरा सुनेको भए हुन्थेन?

आज मलाई नराम्रो लागेको छ,
अघि भर्खर सम्म पनि ठिकै थियो,
अहिले चार तल्ला बाट खसे जस्तो लागेको छ,
बाटोमा हिँड्दै गर्दा एउटोले गाली गरेर बोलायो,
हुन त मैले गर्ने काम नै तोकेर बोलाएको थियो,
झुठो थिएन तर त्यसले बोलाउँदा काँडा नै बिझे झैँ भयो,
जँड्या मोरोको दुई शब्दले मलाई निशब्द बनायो,

आज मलाई नराम्रो लागेको छ,
बोल्न केहि सकेको हैन,
लुरुलुरु आफ्नो बाटो लागेँ,
एक्कासि आफूलाई ऐनामा देखे जस्तो लाग्यो,
त्यो बनावटी हाँसोको पोतो बगेर गए जस्तो लाग्यो
र अगाडी एउटा बिचरा निमुखो बच्चा देखेँ,
आँखा भरी आँसु छ, ढाडमा गोदाई खाएको डाम
अनि अनुहारले एउटा मात्र कुरा भनेको छ,
जतिसुकै कोशिस गर् म बाट टाढा जान सक्दैनस्।

आज मलाई नराम्रो लागेको छ,
उनीलाई भन्न पनि डर लाग्छ,
मेरो हालत देखेर नराम्रो ठान्छिन् की?
मेरो भत्केको सपना देखेर डराउँछिन् की?
मेरो हराएको हाँसो देखेर घिनाउँछिन् की?
फेरी नानाथरी सोँचेर आफैलाई गाली बक्न थालेँ,
बाले भन्थे, कसैले हेर्दैन फर्केर, आफ्नो दुःख आफैसँग,
अनि फेरि हाँसे जस्तो गरी आफ्नै काममा लागेँ,

मन खुशी त छैन, डाको छोडेर रून मन छ,
तर हाँसो भने वरिपरी सबैको भन्दा ऊज्यालो छ,
अब कोल्ले पो थाहा पाउनु कि
आज मलाई नराम्रो लागेको छ।

Not stupid

So this post is to tell myself that I am not being stupid. I am being completely normal and doing things that I'd normally do because no matter what they say love isn't blind, at least not for me. I have given everything, even the things I had wondered if I'd ever be able to bring to the table. And I don't feel bad at all, its not like I am being pushed by anything. I do these things because it is what is spontaneous to me, it is what I've always wanted to be honest. So you know how a dad doesn't want his kids to suffer the same struggle that he did, so he works his ass off to give his kids the life he always wanted? Well, it's like kinda like that... Everything that I have given to you and everything that I feel for you is everything that I have always wanted to feel. Like I am the only person who exists for someone and that a little leak of a smile even, brightens up someone's day! And not the fake kind... The really honest kind.
You should know that I am writing my heart out on this one and that as a friend maybe you will at least try to understand me. Either you see it or not but I have been giving my everything really. My cousin thinks it's unhealthy and "too much", to which one time I ended up asking him to fuck off and he didn't talk to me for days. That's kinda how much it means to me. And I really have it on my mind for mostly every minute or so, that I am conscious. And honestly I cannot help but think that this is the best thing that has ever happened to me and for the first time in my life, it feels like this is the one thing I will never stop putting effort into because of how much it means to me. But honestly, you know me... I have the worst flaw and I do it more often than usual. I over-think. Lately, questions were asked to me as to what I'd do if some things happened and not just by her though but by quite a few other people too. I just don't wanna answer things like that, people have to understand that everytime I hear anything like that, it feels like I'm going into a mini cardiac arrest. It kills me even to hear things like that, how could people think I'd wanna answer things like that?
And that's probably where the over thinking began. Why would people think the need to ask things to me? Have I been that desolated? Because really I feel like I am really happy and that if it wasn't for her, things could've gone southwards by now. I have started to think about how I have given my all, how I have depended on it to feel good and how I have made it to be my everything. More so, when I screw up and let her down. If questions like that need to be asked maybe I should really start thinking about things like these? But somehow, everytime I end feeling terrible and have to stop thinking about it because I know I'll end up being depressed if I don't. And I even know, that they didn't know that the things they said would haunt me for a long long time. I have wanted to talk about this to someone for quite a while now, Sairas doesn't reply his DMs and my other friend is quite busy so I thought why not write my heart out. I have tried convincing myself that I am not being stupid and all by giving out everything I've got but honestly I don't think I care. I don't think I care because this feels so good and makes me so happy and I believe it is the best thing that could ever  happened to me. I don't know if I am being stupid but I don't care too because I value the way I feel and this just feels right.

P.S. : I think you think I am not being stupid too because I over-think and would like to think that you'd think this is totally rational. Thanks! :D

What goes around...

Somehow it keeps coming back. Everything I thought that was over for years now. Somehow everything still haunts me. But then again it's not really something that comes around, it's something that resides in me. The self-loathe, the trauma and the after effects. I guess in some way, it never stops... The walls with which I thought I sealed this horror in me somehow has gone fickle. Even the smallest of things provokes it. It's like when she said I had a rough time back then and you decided that it was nothing but myself being a "wuss". I couldn't sleep the following week thinking about how pathetic you must think I am. Thinking about how I let my old self down, that promised that he wouldn't walk down this road again. The old self, that promised he wouldn't care about what people have to say about him. But turns out, it's not that easy... When it's the people you care about, you tend to care about what they think about you too. All of this leading up to hours of irrational thinking and followed by a breakdown. And somehow you have been a way to vent out everything in me. I guess mostly because the conversation is one way and I know at least you won't call me a wuss. Well, I'm still continuing with the putting on a smile thing for now... I'll write to you when I maybe breakdown the next time?

So Long Hubba!

"We spend so much effort trying to keep parts of our lives hidden, even from our closest friends, but in those rare time when we do open up, its amazing how minor those secrets all end up being"

                  Remember Hubs, when you said this? Looks like you left me with no choice after all...


     It's amazing how the same words that made you my best friend fail to describe how much you mean to me. I don't really have friends and the friends I do have, are very very special to me. You happen to be the best among those special ones too :) We became good friends after discovering we both love How I Met Your Mother equally as much. A weird thing to bond over i know, but it gave me you (which makes it all the more special). We started to discover we had so many things in common and that we adored each other, i guess that's how we became best buddies? You were always the hyper one and I was the one creating melodrama. I believe you're still shaking your head over this piece in your usual sarcastic manner and calling me melodramatic from wherever you are. But I will pretend that you wouldn't do that, this one time. There have been infinite times where you'd tell me you'd smack me for doing something stupid and I'd say the same and then we'd carry on bitching about practically every other thing that we see.

   

   But the weirdo that you were, you were always there... either bugging me or helping, but there for me. And it is very ironical how your biggest fear was that people  would leave you and go away yet you ended up doing the same. You took a huge part from me with you man. I don't know how long it is gonna take me to get over this (maybe never) but I know you wanted nothing but "that weird joker smile" on my face. I cannot promise you that I will be okay but I all I can promise is a fake smile. There were only a few times I actually said it, but it felt really good when you opened up to me and I love you buddy. Bubba will miss you :) Wait for me out there will you?

Agony

Just embrace me tonight,
Let me lay down on you
and show you my crumbled world,
Built from nothing more than just ashes,
My insides, blood curdling yet cinereous…
Give this shapeless heart a silhouette at least,
And give me the one thing that nothing else ever can,
Provide the agony in me with a meaning,
Give me, you.

Our rendezvous

I sweep your face into a feeling,
And that feeling into my handbook,
as I try to remember the glance that froze me,
the glance of all the stars stuffed into one frame,
your dress, my constellation in the dead of night,
And flames coming out your body as though a phoenix,
I couldn’t look up to such appeal,
I release the idiot in me and look up,
Your face, like the sun when you gaze too long,
stunned me... I forgot how to think,
Even more how to feel,
I put you in my book on purpose,
Five seconds and you’d already taken a chunk of me,
and it had taken a hazy memory of something old to be there, an eternity!