Not stupid

So this post is to tell myself that I am not being stupid. I am being completely normal and doing things that I'd normally do because no matter what they say love isn't blind, at least not for me. I have given everything, even the things I had wondered if I'd ever be able to bring to the table. And I don't feel bad at all, its not like I am being pushed by anything. I do these things because it is what is spontaneous to me, it is what I've always wanted to be honest. So you know how a dad doesn't want his kids to suffer the same struggle that he did, so he works his ass off to give his kids the life he always wanted? Well, it's like kinda like that... Everything that I have given to you and everything that I feel for you is everything that I have always wanted to feel. Like I am the only person who exists for someone and that a little leak of a smile even, brightens up someone's day! And not the fake kind... The really honest kind.
You should know that I am writing my heart out on this one and that as a friend maybe you will at least try to understand me. Either you see it or not but I have been giving my everything really. My cousin thinks it's unhealthy and "too much", to which one time I ended up asking him to fuck off and he didn't talk to me for days. That's kinda how much it means to me. And I really have it on my mind for mostly every minute or so, that I am conscious. And honestly I cannot help but think that this is the best thing that has ever happened to me and for the first time in my life, it feels like this is the one thing I will never stop putting effort into because of how much it means to me. But honestly, you know me... I have the worst flaw and I do it more often than usual. I over-think. Lately, questions were asked to me as to what I'd do if some things happened and not just by her though but by quite a few other people too. I just don't wanna answer things like that, people have to understand that everytime I hear anything like that, it feels like I'm going into a mini cardiac arrest. It kills me even to hear things like that, how could people think I'd wanna answer things like that?
And that's probably where the over thinking began. Why would people think the need to ask things to me? Have I been that desolated? Because really I feel like I am really happy and that if it wasn't for her, things could've gone southwards by now. I have started to think about how I have given my all, how I have depended on it to feel good and how I have made it to be my everything. More so, when I screw up and let her down. If questions like that need to be asked maybe I should really start thinking about things like these? But somehow, everytime I end feeling terrible and have to stop thinking about it because I know I'll end up being depressed if I don't. And I even know, that they didn't know that the things they said would haunt me for a long long time. I have wanted to talk about this to someone for quite a while now, Sairas doesn't reply his DMs and my other friend is quite busy so I thought why not write my heart out. I have tried convincing myself that I am not being stupid and all by giving out everything I've got but honestly I don't think I care. I don't think I care because this feels so good and makes me so happy and I believe it is the best thing that could ever  happened to me. I don't know if I am being stupid but I don't care too because I value the way I feel and this just feels right.

P.S. : I think you think I am not being stupid too because I over-think and would like to think that you'd think this is totally rational. Thanks! :D

What goes around...

Somehow it keeps coming back. Everything I thought that was over for years now. Somehow everything still haunts me. But then again it's not really something that comes around, it's something that resides in me. The self-loathe, the trauma and the after effects. I guess in some way, it never stops... The walls with which I thought I sealed this horror in me somehow has gone fickle. Even the smallest of things provokes it. It's like when she said I had a rough time back then and you decided that it was nothing but myself being a "wuss". I couldn't sleep the following week thinking about how pathetic you must think I am. Thinking about how I let my old self down, that promised that he wouldn't walk down this road again. The old self, that promised he wouldn't care about what people have to say about him. But turns out, it's not that easy... When it's the people you care about, you tend to care about what they think about you too. All of this leading up to hours of irrational thinking and followed by a breakdown. And somehow you have been a way to vent out everything in me. I guess mostly because the conversation is one way and I know at least you won't call me a wuss. Well, I'm still continuing with the putting on a smile thing for now... I'll write to you when I maybe breakdown the next time?

So Long Hubba!

"We spend so much effort trying to keep parts of our lives hidden, even from our closest friends, but in those rare time when we do open up, its amazing how minor those secrets all end up being"

                  Remember Hubs, when you said this? Looks like you left me with no choice after all...


     It's amazing how the same words that made you my best friend fail to describe how much you mean to me. I don't really have friends and the friends I do have, are very very special to me. You happen to be the best among those special ones too :) We became good friends after discovering we both love How I Met Your Mother equally as much. A weird thing to bond over i know, but it gave me you (which makes it all the more special). We started to discover we had so many things in common and that we adored each other, i guess that's how we became best buddies? You were always the hyper one and I was the one creating melodrama. I believe you're still shaking your head over this piece in your usual sarcastic manner and calling me melodramatic from wherever you are. But I will pretend that you wouldn't do that, this one time. There have been infinite times where you'd tell me you'd smack me for doing something stupid and I'd say the same and then we'd carry on bitching about practically every other thing that we see.

   

   But the weirdo that you were, you were always there... either bugging me or helping, but there for me. And it is very ironical how your biggest fear was that people  would leave you and go away yet you ended up doing the same. You took a huge part from me with you man. I don't know how long it is gonna take me to get over this (maybe never) but I know you wanted nothing but "that weird joker smile" on my face. I cannot promise you that I will be okay but I all I can promise is a fake smile. There were only a few times I actually said it, but it felt really good when you opened up to me and I love you buddy. Bubba will miss you :) Wait for me out there will you?