Not stupid

So this post is to tell myself that I am not being stupid. I am being completely normal and doing things that I'd normally do because no matter what they say love isn't blind, at least not for me. I have given everything, even the things I had wondered if I'd ever be able to bring to the table. And I don't feel bad at all, its not like I am being pushed by anything. I do these things because it is what is spontaneous to me, it is what I've always wanted to be honest. So you know how a dad doesn't want his kids to suffer the same struggle that he did, so he works his ass off to give his kids the life he always wanted? Well, it's like kinda like that... Everything that I have given to you and everything that I feel for you is everything that I have always wanted to feel. Like I am the only person who exists for someone and that a little leak of a smile even, brightens up someone's day! And not the fake kind... The really honest kind.
You should know that I am writing my heart out on this one and that as a friend maybe you will at least try to understand me. Either you see it or not but I have been giving my everything really. My cousin thinks it's unhealthy and "too much", to which one time I ended up asking him to fuck off and he didn't talk to me for days. That's kinda how much it means to me. And I really have it on my mind for mostly every minute or so, that I am conscious. And honestly I cannot help but think that this is the best thing that has ever happened to me and for the first time in my life, it feels like this is the one thing I will never stop putting effort into because of how much it means to me. But honestly, you know me... I have the worst flaw and I do it more often than usual. I over-think. Lately, questions were asked to me as to what I'd do if some things happened and not just by her though but by quite a few other people too. I just don't wanna answer things like that, people have to understand that everytime I hear anything like that, it feels like I'm going into a mini cardiac arrest. It kills me even to hear things like that, how could people think I'd wanna answer things like that?
And that's probably where the over thinking began. Why would people think the need to ask things to me? Have I been that desolated? Because really I feel like I am really happy and that if it wasn't for her, things could've gone southwards by now. I have started to think about how I have given my all, how I have depended on it to feel good and how I have made it to be my everything. More so, when I screw up and let her down. If questions like that need to be asked maybe I should really start thinking about things like these? But somehow, everytime I end feeling terrible and have to stop thinking about it because I know I'll end up being depressed if I don't. And I even know, that they didn't know that the things they said would haunt me for a long long time. I have wanted to talk about this to someone for quite a while now, Sairas doesn't reply his DMs and my other friend is quite busy so I thought why not write my heart out. I have tried convincing myself that I am not being stupid and all by giving out everything I've got but honestly I don't think I care. I don't think I care because this feels so good and makes me so happy and I believe it is the best thing that could ever  happened to me. I don't know if I am being stupid but I don't care too because I value the way I feel and this just feels right.

P.S. : I think you think I am not being stupid too because I over-think and would like to think that you'd think this is totally rational. Thanks! :D

What goes around...

Somehow it keeps coming back. Everything I thought that was over for years now. Somehow everything still haunts me. But then again it's not really something that comes around, it's something that resides in me. The self-loathe, the trauma and the after effects. I guess in some way, it never stops... The walls with which I thought I sealed this horror in me somehow has gone fickle. Even the smallest of things provokes it. It's like when she said I had a rough time back then and you decided that it was nothing but myself being a "wuss". I couldn't sleep the following week thinking about how pathetic you must think I am. Thinking about how I let my old self down, that promised that he wouldn't walk down this road again. The old self, that promised he wouldn't care about what people have to say about him. But turns out, it's not that easy... When it's the people you care about, you tend to care about what they think about you too. All of this leading up to hours of irrational thinking and followed by a breakdown. And somehow you have been a way to vent out everything in me. I guess mostly because the conversation is one way and I know at least you won't call me a wuss. Well, I'm still continuing with the putting on a smile thing for now... I'll write to you when I maybe breakdown the next time?

So Long Hubba!

"We spend so much effort trying to keep parts of our lives hidden, even from our closest friends, but in those rare time when we do open up, its amazing how minor those secrets all end up being"

                  Remember Hubs, when you said this? Looks like you left me with no choice after all...


     It's amazing how the same words that made you my best friend fail to describe how much you mean to me. I don't really have friends and the friends I do have, are very very special to me. You happen to be the best among those special ones too :) We became good friends after discovering we both love How I Met Your Mother equally as much. A weird thing to bond over i know, but it gave me you (which makes it all the more special). We started to discover we had so many things in common and that we adored each other, i guess that's how we became best buddies? You were always the hyper one and I was the one creating melodrama. I believe you're still shaking your head over this piece in your usual sarcastic manner and calling me melodramatic from wherever you are. But I will pretend that you wouldn't do that, this one time. There have been infinite times where you'd tell me you'd smack me for doing something stupid and I'd say the same and then we'd carry on bitching about practically every other thing that we see.

   

   But the weirdo that you were, you were always there... either bugging me or helping, but there for me. And it is very ironical how your biggest fear was that people  would leave you and go away yet you ended up doing the same. You took a huge part from me with you man. I don't know how long it is gonna take me to get over this (maybe never) but I know you wanted nothing but "that weird joker smile" on my face. I cannot promise you that I will be okay but I all I can promise is a fake smile. There were only a few times I actually said it, but it felt really good when you opened up to me and I love you buddy. Bubba will miss you :) Wait for me out there will you?

Agony

Just embrace me tonight,
Let me lay down on you
and show you my crumbled world,
Built from nothing more than just ashes,
My insides, blood curdling yet cinereous…
Give this shapeless heart a silhouette at least,
And give me the one thing that nothing else ever can,
Provide the agony in me with a meaning,
Give me, you.

Our rendezvous

I sweep your face into a feeling,
And that feeling into my handbook,
as I try to remember the glance that froze me,
the glance of all the stars stuffed into one frame,
your dress, my constellation in the dead of night,
And flames coming out your body as though a phoenix,
I couldn’t look up to such appeal,
I release the idiot in me and look up,
Your face, like the sun when you gaze too long,
stunned me... I forgot how to think,
Even more how to feel,
I put you in my book on purpose,
Five seconds and you’d already taken a chunk of me,
and it had taken a hazy memory of something old to be there, an eternity!

Her Infinities

You were made to feel lesser,
Made to feel weak and vulnerable,
And made to feel lost and alone,
Like you were benign,
Like you didn't really matter,
But you're infinite.

I want to make you feel like, the way I see you,
make you feel like the way you deserve,
make you feel like only YOU matter,
make you understand how flawless you are,
I wanna sear your name into my lips,
because it's the only thing I want on me.

And with the lips that bleed your very name,
I wanna plant a kiss on every inch of your body,
I wanna taste paradise in my mouth,
Tulips and daisies, sea breeze and what not,
I wanna be found in your irises,
Our souls intertwined and our breath, colossal,
And make you understand what you really deserve,

Because baby, you are infinite.

D E N T S

If anything made me what I am,
It is these dents I came by in the past,
You can't make out if I have them now,
Because I have concealed it...

But lately they've been trying to resurface,
these dents, they wanna show,
They don't want anything from me,
but I believe they wanna know,
If I showed you what's in there,
all these uneven bumps on me,
Would everything be what it's like?

It frightens me to be honest,
If you'll hate the discoloration,
If you'll hate the blemish,
If you'll loathe the creature I become,

I hate how it provokes me,
I hate how suddenly everything looks messy,
I hate it how I feel like I bleed black,
I hate it how my dents are eating me up.

Ricochet

It was a bullet that hit her,

out of nowhere it passed right by her,

she never saw it coming,

but she felt it in her,

The pain, The momentum,

It was just a split-second,

For the bullet was on a different course,

But it left a mark on her,

On her skin that should've been kissed,

that should've been caressed,

and should've known only tenderness,

It left a scar for a lifetime,

It was a ricochet...

Destiny

He went off wandering to some distant place,

Incapable of worrying about himself,

He was so lost in the world that he believed in,

He didn't even notice the actual world.

The actual world that was so cruel to him,

Trampled him and toppled him to eternal rest,

But he was yet to see this realm,

Yet to pull the plug on his whole belief system.

And there he lived his life in a dream,

Uncertain of what is coming his way,

But very sure that whatever he has ever thought about,

Was gonna be true... It was gonna be worth the wait.

Moonstruck

I stood there, where the cliff held still,

Where the waves kept splattering onto him,

And he just kept still,              

No matter the pain,

No matter how downhearted it was,

He just kept still.

And I stare at the cliff and ponder upon myself,

How much love would one need?

To keep rooted to the spot?

After all he has to go through?

And that’s when I realized,

How lucky he was, to live amongst that serenity,

How lucky he was to experience that splendid aurora,

To experience the ornate tenebrosity of the sky,

And to feel the kiss of the tranquil sea breeze.

I had been seeing it wrong all this time,

Maybe he never cared about the splattering so much,

Maybe he was just lost in the surreal atmosphere,

Maybe he was so in love with the vicinity,

To even care about what was going on in the world.

Earthquake in Nepal; From a commoner's journal

                                       So I was having my usual Saturday lunch with the T.V. on high volume. Dad and mom were in their room, mom putting dye on my dad's unevenly white hair, and grandpa was busy getting his power nap in my room. When suddenly, my glass of water started to vibrate in an uneven tone. Then out of nowhere, I hear someone outside the house shouting "BHUICHAALO!!!". Then mom and dad hustled everyone out of the rooms. I ran along, trying to get down the stairs when the bigger earthquake-shock hit us. I was trying desperately to get down the stairs while I was being pushed chaotically sideways. I looked back and saw dad and mom holding grandpa by his arms and trying to go down the stairs too. So I decided to jump the stairs and open the door to the backyard. I took the leap and luckily I opened the door just in time they got down from the stairs. I pushed the three of them out the door and went outside...

                                       The view was terrifying outside. Everything was going to and fro. The noise everything made that moment, still haunts me. We looked up to the house and strangely enough, to all of us, it looked as though the house would fall upon us. So, I pushed everyone again to the alley, ran forward and unlocked the front door. Everyone in our neighborhood was out of their houses by that time. People were screaming and crying and we were so terrified! I had never felt so helpless... Minutes later the internet came back and we started receiving the news from everywhere. The valley was in ruins... We were in ruins. Everything important to us was brought down to rubble. So many people were trapped in those buildings. Everything was out of place. I was choking and couldn't speak at all for half an hour or so. Our neighbors were tearing up, kids were crying with bemused expressions on them and all of us had extreme terror in our hearts.And I just couldn't stop wondering. Why are we being punished? What had we done to deserve this? Why has everything been taken away from us? All we wanted was peace. Was that too much to ask for?

Blatant appeal to vanity!

I just want someone with whom I can be myself,
Someone with whom I can be the weird devil(that I am),
Someone with whom I don't have to worry about being awkward
because she is too, and we can marinate in our awkwardness together,
Someone with whom I can do all the crazy things out the top of my head
and not give a crap about the people judging you,
Is it too much to ask for?
  
 I just want someone with whom I can talk to all night

and still feel like I left out on something to talk about,
I just want someone who gets irritated in the most sweetest of ways
when I keep bugging her with all these weird talks,
I just want someone who understands all the stupid things I say,
be that something from a TV show or from a song,
Because she watches and listens to them too!
Is it too much to ask for?

I just want someone who takes my puerile actions
As something that comes with me,
I just want someone who nods,
Even when every other person around me is confused,
I just want someone who reads this and understands me.
Is it too much to ask for?

And even though everyone one persists,
That it indeed is too much to ask for,
I still believe, that "THAT SOMEONE" exists,

Because when I finally do find her,

No one in the world will love her more than me.

    

You!

The dark sky, with them glimmering stars all over,
Making me ponder upon what not,
Why are the stars so beautiful yet so very saddening?
Why do I feel so blue?
Why am I being such a scumbag?
But mostly it just makes me think of you.

The people around me, with their extraordinary normalcy,
Making me think of what not,
Why is everyone so busy?
Why is everyone so distant?
How are people so stupid and selfish all at the same time?
But mostly how astonishingly you differ from these infidels.

The big name people, with their pretentious crap,
Making me cudgel my brain about what not,
How are they so self centered?
How can they not care of the world beyond themselves?
How are they the "newsmakers" yet the most annoying people?
But mostly how perfect you are, and how you deserve it better than all of these goofbags!

SHIT happens!

So I was asked by a smarter person to start making a good image before I head out. He told me I need to create a good image for the people around me before I leave so that they remember the better part of me. And hence I have been working on it. But this is pretty hard for a guy who has a complicated image in people's mind. The hardest people to work this on are your parents because trust me, however hard I try to be very nice in front of them... Something ridiculous  happens.
Like the other day, I was helping out my dad the whole day and he was pretty happy. And then he decides to involve me in his office work late night, which I had very little interest in. He was doing his work and explaining me what he was doing and how "the system" worked and it was very boring... I was getting very drowsy and all. And just when my eyes shut for like 5 or 8 seconds, he saw me dozing off (which is very shocking because I swear he wasn't looking at me the whole time). Then he was totally bummed about it and asked me to go to sleep.
Now my intentions were not that bad, you see. I was just trying to be a friend because it was very late and he was working all alone. I thought maybe he could use some company but no... It doesn't work out! However, I am glad to tell you that I will not be giving up yet. I haven't done much for my folks, and now I have this one chance to be a nice guy and I am not screwing it up! Until then however, Sheerio!

The wait

So I took the first step to following the dream... I am at the test centre waiting for them to call my name. And I had some spare time so why not write about it :D Everything from here on will get exciting. Once i pass this English Proficiency Test, I get to apply for the college I'm planning to go to. But I need good scores for that to happen... Of course I believe I can do good but I get distracted really easily. And god forbid, if I get distracted in this test right here, I AM DONE FOR! Anywho, I think I will take the time off to stare at this dorky-eautiful girl sitting in front of me now. Toodles!

Rush

Have you ever had that RUSH? That particular feeling when you are super nervous yet super excited. That particular moment when you stammer and your body starts trembling yet you know you never want this feeling to end because it is just too awesome. That thing running down your spine continuously as though someone had forced ice-cold water into your veins.
I've felt that RUSH once, just once. I remember it so vividly... So, I had a crush on a ceratin someone for months before I finally got to meet her. That first meet up with her was when I felt it. My hands were shaking, body trembling and I was stammering as though I was just learning to talk. That shrill all over my body making me feel as though I am the happiest man on the face of the Earth. It was such an awesome feeling. Sadly, it never happened again. So that memory is very precious for me.
I'd love to feel that RUSH once again, would love to feel awesome once again, would love to be heavily drowned in someone's love once again...