What goes around...

Somehow it keeps coming back. Everything I thought that was over for years now. Somehow everything still haunts me. But then again it's not really something that comes around, it's something that resides in me. The self-loathe, the trauma and the after effects. I guess in some way, it never stops... The walls with which I thought I sealed this horror in me somehow has gone fickle. Even the smallest of things provokes it. It's like when she said I had a rough time back then and you decided that it was nothing but myself being a "wuss". I couldn't sleep the following week thinking about how pathetic you must think I am. Thinking about how I let my old self down, that promised that he wouldn't walk down this road again. The old self, that promised he wouldn't care about what people have to say about him. But turns out, it's not that easy... When it's the people you care about, you tend to care about what they think about you too. All of this leading up to hours of irrational thinking and followed by a breakdown. And somehow you have been a way to vent out everything in me. I guess mostly because the conversation is one way and I know at least you won't call me a wuss. Well, I'm still continuing with the putting on a smile thing for now... I'll write to you when I maybe breakdown the next time?

So Long Hubba!

"We spend so much effort trying to keep parts of our lives hidden, even from our closest friends, but in those rare time when we do open up, its amazing how minor those secrets all end up being"

                  Remember Hubs, when you said this? Looks like you left me with no choice after all...


     It's amazing how the same words that made you my best friend fail to describe how much you mean to me. I don't really have friends and the friends I do have, are very very special to me. You happen to be the best among those special ones too :) We became good friends after discovering we both love How I Met Your Mother equally as much. A weird thing to bond over i know, but it gave me you (which makes it all the more special). We started to discover we had so many things in common and that we adored each other, i guess that's how we became best buddies? You were always the hyper one and I was the one creating melodrama. I believe you're still shaking your head over this piece in your usual sarcastic manner and calling me melodramatic from wherever you are. But I will pretend that you wouldn't do that, this one time. There have been infinite times where you'd tell me you'd smack me for doing something stupid and I'd say the same and then we'd carry on bitching about practically every other thing that we see.

   

   But the weirdo that you were, you were always there... either bugging me or helping, but there for me. And it is very ironical how your biggest fear was that people  would leave you and go away yet you ended up doing the same. You took a huge part from me with you man. I don't know how long it is gonna take me to get over this (maybe never) but I know you wanted nothing but "that weird joker smile" on my face. I cannot promise you that I will be okay but I all I can promise is a fake smile. There were only a few times I actually said it, but it felt really good when you opened up to me and I love you buddy. Bubba will miss you :) Wait for me out there will you?

Agony

Just embrace me tonight,
Let me lay down on you
and show you my crumbled world,
Built from nothing more than just ashes,
My insides, blood curdling yet cinereous…
Give this shapeless heart a silhouette at least,
And give me the one thing that nothing else ever can,
Provide the agony in me with a meaning,
Give me, you.

Our rendezvous

I sweep your face into a feeling,
And that feeling into my handbook,
as I try to remember the glance that froze me,
the glance of all the stars stuffed into one frame,
your dress, my constellation in the dead of night,
And flames coming out your body as though a phoenix,
I couldn’t look up to such appeal,
I release the idiot in me and look up,
Your face, like the sun when you gaze too long,
stunned me... I forgot how to think,
Even more how to feel,
I put you in my book on purpose,
Five seconds and you’d already taken a chunk of me,
and it had taken a hazy memory of something old to be there, an eternity!

Her Infinities

You were made to feel lesser,
Made to feel weak and vulnerable,
And made to feel lost and alone,
Like you were benign,
Like you didn't really matter,
But you're infinite.

I want to make you feel like, the way I see you,
make you feel like the way you deserve,
make you feel like only YOU matter,
make you understand how flawless you are,
I wanna sear your name into my lips,
because it's the only thing I want on me.

And with the lips that bleed your very name,
I wanna plant a kiss on every inch of your body,
I wanna taste paradise in my mouth,
Tulips and daisies, sea breeze and what not,
I wanna be found in your irises,
Our souls intertwined and our breath, colossal,
And make you understand what you really deserve,

Because baby, you are infinite.

D E N T S

If anything made me what I am,
It is these dents I came by in the past,
You can't make out if I have them now,
Because I have concealed it...

But lately they've been trying to resurface,
these dents, they wanna show,
They don't want anything from me,
but I believe they wanna know,
If I showed you what's in there,
all these uneven bumps on me,
Would everything be what it's like?

It frightens me to be honest,
If you'll hate the discoloration,
If you'll hate the blemish,
If you'll loathe the creature I become,

I hate how it provokes me,
I hate how suddenly everything looks messy,
I hate it how I feel like I bleed black,
I hate it how my dents are eating me up.

Ricochet

It was a bullet that hit her,

out of nowhere it passed right by her,

she never saw it coming,

but she felt it in her,

The pain, The momentum,

It was just a split-second,

For the bullet was on a different course,

But it left a mark on her,

On her skin that should've been kissed,

that should've been caressed,

and should've known only tenderness,

It left a scar for a lifetime,

It was a ricochet...